Be Brave
by kenzcraw
Summary: What was going through Clara's head during those final moments? What didn't she say to the Doctor? Here's my take. (Events of the end of Face the Raven and a bit of Hell Bent added)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello hello! This is my very first attempt at fanfiction, and I must admit I'm quite a bit nervous. I'm not one to put my writing out there for the world to see. Ever. However, I really enjoy writing my favorite scenes from movies and TV shows in my own words. It's kinda like a character study, really. What I think is going through their heads at the time. So, after watching Face the Raven and bawling my eyes out for a disturbing amount of time, I decided to write down what I figured was going through Clara's head as she said goodbye to the Doctor. It was also an attempt to help me say my own goodbye to my favorite companion. (Didn't really work.) Anyhoo, hope you all enjoy, and if you'd be so kind as to tell me what you think, I'd appreciate it. Here's to our Impossible Girl.**

"You."

He looked up from the floor slowly. He knew what was coming, I could see it in his eyes. The dread.

Ignoring the sting in my heart at the heartbreak in his eyes, I took a step toward him. "You listen to me." I waited until he locked his eyes on mine before I continued. I needed to know that he listened. It was the most important thing in existence that he heard me now. "You're going to be alone now. And you're very bad at that." My voice shook and broke. I could barely stand the thought of him being on his own. "You're gonna be furious, and you're gonna be sad, but listen to me, don't let this change you."

He opened his mouth like he was going to protest. "No, listen," I insisted. "Whatever happens next…" I glanced over at Ashildr, and she was watching us with regret screaming out from her face. But I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive her. This may be my fault for being so reckless, but it was she who put it in motion. And it was going to crush my best friend.

"Wherever she is sending you," I said, looking back up at the Doctor. "I know what you're capable of." He'd burn it. His rage and grief would turn the skies fiery orange and he wouldn't stop. Not until every single being in the universe shared in his pain. "But you don't be a warrior. Promise me."

He glared at me with red rings around his eyes, like he was angry with me for taking away his one escape of the pain he knew was coming. The pain he was already feeling.

I returned his glare with one of my own. "Be a Doctor." Be _you_.

"What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?" he whispered roughly.

"Heal yourself," I said, and he breathed out a ragged breath. "You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise. I'm giving you an order."

He looked away from me with a furious glint in his eye. "You will not insult my memory," I insisted, drawing his attention back to me. "There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here, or anywhere, will suffer."

The Doctor's face crumpled the slightest bit more. He looked at me with the eyes of the frightened, lonely child I found in that barn all that time ago. "What about me?"

My heart broke, shattered. Because of all the suffering that he could bring down on anyone he deemed responsible, I knew it was nothing compared to what he would feel. And that was the one thing I couldn't save him from, no matter how much I wished I could.

I forced a smile and a light shrug. "If there was something I could do about that I would." I would absolutely move mountains, move planets and whole solar systems if it would save him from this. He, of all people in the history of everything, deserved to be spared. But of course he would be the one to feel the blow the most. "Guess we're both just gonna have to be brave."

He looked away from me, eyes darting here and there around the room. Trying to think, trying to come up with something. Anything.

And I saw it the moment he finally gave in. Those blue eyes crumpled with agony that ripped at my heart. "Clara-" he gasped.

 _No_. Before he could utter the words that would tear me to pieces, I threw my arms around his neck and held on as tight as I could. His own arms constricted around my waist, fingers desperately clinging to the fabric on the back of my shirt. He buried his face in my shoulder, and I felt him exhale a shaky breath. I clenched my eyes, willing myself to be strong for him. Just for a moment longer.

"Everything you're about to say," I whispered, voice trembling. "I already know." He grasped at my back a little tighter, nestled his face against me. Oh, Doctor. I pressed my cheek against the side of his neck and held on to him a little tighter. "Don't do it now. We've already had enough bad timing."

It's not that I didn't want to hear it, it's not that I wasn't yearning for him to tell me he loved me, that he'd miss me, that he'd remember me. I just didn't want to hear it like this, with both of us trying to hold the other together in a hug that was too desperate. Like we were trying to make up for all the hugs we'd missed out on because we thought we had more time. So much more time.

I wanted to tell him, though. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how essential he was to me, at the core of my being. And oh how it was ripping me to pieces knowing that I was breaking his hearts, how hurt he was. And I was so terrified to leave him like this. Would he be okay? The one after me, would they take care of him? Would they love him the way he deserved? Would he even let them?

The caw of the raven startled both of us apart. The Doctor's hand clenched on mine, and I held his just as tightly, staring out the window. My heart was racing, my chest tight, like I couldn't get enough air. Oh God I was scared. I looked up at the Doctor, soaking up his familiar face. I never told him I loved that face, maybe even more than I loved the previous one. But it was crumpling with pain, and I felt my tears escape down my cheeks.

"Don't run," he whispered. "Stay with me."

I couldn't help but smile. That had been the plan. To stay with him forever.

But I shook my head. "Nah," I said as lightly as I could. Though everything inside me was yearning to beg him to hold my hand until it was over. "You stay here. In the end everyone does this alone."

His eyes widened and he clutched my hand painfully tight. "Clara-"

"This," I interrupted shakily. "This is as brave as I know how to be." I really didn't want to do this alone, but I could ask him for this. I had to be brave, for his sake. "And I know it's gonna hurt you but… Please, be a little proud of me."

He just looked at me with the ghost of a smile. Like he wanted to be proud of me, and part of him was. But more of him was breaking, I could see it. And I couldn't stand it.

I reached out and cupped his cheek with my hand, smiling when he leaned into it just the slightest bit. I rubbed my thumb under his eye, hating the redness ringing the blue. He gently took my hand away from his face, enveloping it in both of his and lacing our fingers together. With a tenderness that made my heart throb unbearably, he pressed a kiss to my knuckles, holding my gaze desperately. Memorizing it, just as I was with his.

"Goodbye, Doctor," I whispered, and his eyes flashed with the same agony that made it impossible for me to breathe. His fingers clutched around mine, but before he could cling too tight, I stepped away and pulled free of his grip with as much gentleness that I could. And I turned away and forced my feet to take me toward the door without looking back. If I did, I was afraid I might not be able to pull away from him again.

My hands were shaking so uncontrollably that it was a wonder that I managed to open the door, but too soon I was out on the street. I was very dimly aware of all the fleeing residents, the shouts and crying. All my attention was now on the black bird flitting down the street, cawing. Its black eye was trained on me. Desperately trying to breathe through the constricting terror, I forced myself into the street, towards the bird.

I felt rather than heard the door open behind me, felt the Doctor's eyes boring into my back. Of course he didn't listen to me.

"Let me be brave," I murmured with my eyes still on the raven when all I wanted was to turn and look at the Doctor for as long as I was able. "Let me be brave, let me be brave." Please stay where you are, don't follow me.

The raven leapt into the air, soaring right toward me. I sucked in a ragged breath, heart racing out of control, and held my arms out like I was going to embrace the animal. I squeezed my eyes shut just as it gave one last deafening shriek and dove into my stomach.

 **So there you have it. Sorry for the awkward ending, I really couldn't force myself to write the rest of what happened. So, thanks for reading, and if you'd like, pop on by to the reviews and tell me what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey all. After the response that "Goodbyes" got, I felt that I should expand on it a bit. And quite honestly, I needed to for my own reasons. Hell Bent was a beautiful story, and I really wanted to explore it further. And since I'd coincidentally left the end of "Be Brave" at the precise moment that Clara was yanked out of her time stream, I felt it was only right to attach this part to it. It's basically Hell Bent from Clara's point of view, but you'll find I added a scene that Moffat conveniently left out. (I really hate him sometimes.)**

 **While I'm on the subject, I would like to add something. In a guest review, I was asked if I ship Twelve and Clara. And I really had to think about it. It's a hard question to answer. So I'll just say this.**

 **I have never loved a friendship as much as I loved the friendship between the Doctor and Clara, whether it's the Eleventh or Twelfth. There was just something so beautiful and genuine about it. I loved the way they could banter back and forth with such quick wit, and then turn on a dime and have a very heartfelt moment together. They protected each other and looked out for each other so carefully and with barely a thought for themselves, and it was just adorable to see how much they just simply cared for each other.**

 **As far as romance is concerned, I'm a little torn. I think that Eleven and Clara would have been cute and fun, but it wouldn't have been as deep a bond as I would have liked.**

 **With Twelve, though, I felt that their dynamic shifted just enough to move away from a crush to something that was infinitely deeper than anything Clara had with Eleven. While Eleven was besotted with her and intrigued by her story, I felt that Twelve really loved her for who she was at her core. And the same goes for Clara. In my opinion, they were more like soul mates, especially in series 9. It was so obvious that they had something that was so much deeper than just a friendship, but I couldn't quite call it a romantic relationship either. It was too deep even for that, in my opinion. They were crazy about each other and completely devoted to each other in a way that seemed like a mix of friendship, family, and love all at the same time. Their relationship was so unique to them that I don't think I could put a label to it. Just the Doctor and Clara. So do I ship them? I guess in a way I do, but only because I think they are like two halves of the whole. They can function fine alone, but together they are at their best and most perfect. I just want them to stay together, in whatever form.**

 **Guess I've been set up for disappointment in that category though, huh?**

 **The scene I added does not necessarily reflect what I hope had happened between them, it's just what I feel could have happened in the context of the episodes and what had been said already. Though I would be satisfied if it had gone the way I imagined. :) Like I said, just together. Don't care how.**

 **Anyhoo, sorry about the stupid long a/n. On with the story.**

There was a sound, like shattering glass and the cracking of a wooden board all smooshed together. I kept my eyes squeezed shut, waiting for the agony to start. The man before me had screamed with torture before he died, surely it would be no different for me.

Except I felt nothing. There was nothing at all.

I cracked my eyes open a smidge in confusion. And right in front of me, hovering immobile, was the black bird. Its beak was still open mid-shriek, but it was motionless in the air. Everything around me was frozen.

To my left, a blinding light split the air, like a door opening. I squinted against it, turning my face away.

"This way!" That voice. The voice I'd know anywhere, listen to without pause. But… Wasn't he standing right behind me?

A long-fingered hand reached out to me, his face swimming in the light coming out of the door. "I can save you!" the Doctor said urgently. There was something wrong with his voice, it was too raspy and desperate. But he was holding his hand out to me, gesturing for me to take it and follow him.

But what was going on? I glanced down at the raven hovering just at chest level. Back at the door I had just walked out of. And there was the Doctor, frozen, a mask of terror and despair on his face. But he wasn't moving, not making a sound. Not like the one to my left, leaning out of a door that was pouring that white light. This was the Doctor, and judging from the look on his face, it was absolutely imperative that I trust him now.

Still swimming in confusion, I stepped away from the raven and toward the Doctor in the door. He backed away from it as I approached, relief falling over his desperate face. For a moment, the blinding light enveloped him until I couldn't see him anymore. But this was the Doctor, right? I trusted him. He was waiting for me. I stepped over the threshold.

And into a room completely bathed in white. Everything, everywhere, was pristine white, not a blemish on any surface of the room. The only sources of color was the weird red armor that a tall, bald man was wearing and the black of the Doctor's coat. The expression on his face as he stared at me… You'd think he was seeing a ghost. He looked like he was about to cry.

But… Where were we? Who were all these people?

"Doctor?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said quickly, still staring at me with that strange look of disbelief.

"Where am I?" I asked him. "Is this the TARDIS?"

"No," he said. He gestured to the room at large. "This is a planet."

"What planet?" Though I was quickly losing focus. A planet? I literally just walked through a door, and I ended up on another planet?

"Basically my place," said the Doctor, but I barely heard him. My brain was starting to whirl.

"I was about to die," I said. His eyes narrowed for a split second, his lips pursing. "I should be dead." I glanced back at the door I'd come through. It was hazy, but I could make out the trap street on the other side of the door. A door from Earth to… Where were we? What did he just say? Did I hear him right?

"Forget about it, it doesn't matter," the Doctor said in a flat voice.

"Hang on, your place?" I asked, turning back to him.

"Yeah."

"What do you mean, your place?" Could it really be…?

"My place," he repeated.

"You don't mean…?" No way.

The Doctor just raised his eyebrows. His unspoken implication was obvious. _What do you think I mean_?

I dared to say it, a small smile spreading across my face. " _Gallifrey_?"

"Gallifrey," the Doctor confirmed. He could certainly seem happier about it, though. The way he said it you'd think it was a death sentence.

Oh my God. What? "Okay," I said. I paced around, not quite sure what to make of it. Gallifrey, the raven, on another planet, I was alive, the Doctor seemed so off… "Wait, what? _What_?" I pointed at the door, the trap street. "Did I _miss_ something?"

"Well," the Doctor said. "We're several billion years in the future and the universe is pretty much over so yeah, quite a lot."

Oh, so not only were we on another planet, _Gallifrey_ , but we were also at the end of time. Okay then.

"Young lady," the man in the red armor rumbled. I'd nearly forgotten about him and about all the others in the room with the Doctor and I. "Miss Oswald, I'm afraid we only have a very few minutes with you."

I stepped closer to the Doctor, staring at the man's armor, the weapon on his hip, his shaved head. Obviously a soldier, and a high ranking one at that. "Who's he?" I muttered to the Doctor. He'd stepped closer to me too, though it seemed more out of protection than anything else.

Before the Doctor could respond, the armored man spoke again. "According to the Doctor you can tell us something about the creature known as the Hybrid," he said. But my ears had started to ring before he was halfway done and I barely heard him.

"Oh," I mumbled. I raised my hands to my head, like if I massaged the spot the ringing would stop. "Oh, that's weird. What's wrong with my ears?"

"Nothing," the Doctor said quickly. Too quickly.

"Oh, it's weird," I said. "Everything sounds wrong."

"It's a side effect." Again, his tone was cautious.

"I can hear you, I can hear you fine," I told him. "But it's like, I dunno." He gave me a quizzical look. "It's like um, like something's missing."

The Doctor knew, I could tell. His face had closed off the way it did when he didn't want me to know what he was thinking.

"Doctor, we have to tell her," the armored soldier said. "We always tell them."

"Tell me what?" I asked. "What's he talking about, Doctor?" I looked up at him, and he offered me a half smile that didn't reach his eyes. A sad smile. He glanced between me and the soldier, and I could tell that the pair of them were debating. Who would tell me whatever it was that was between them?

"Doctor, what's going on?" I demanded. I hated it when he wasn't talking, wasn't explaining. It was those times that it was obvious that something was horribly wrong. Apprehension and the beginnings of fear were starting to dance in my chest.

The Doctor tore his eyes away from the soldier and turned to me. "Clara," he said. "There's a sound you've been living with every day of your life, but you've learned not to hear."

Okay, the missing thing. "What sound?" I asked.

But he just looked at me. They both did. I barely noticed the soldier though, I was too focused on the look on the Doctor's face. He was scared. I could see the fear in his eyes. He was terrified.

"What's wrong, just tell me," I said. Why was he looking at me like that? And when he still remained silent, my voice was loud enough to betray my own growing fear. This was bad, very bad. "Doctor, _what sound_?"

"Your heartbeat," he murmured.

Oh. _Oh_.

"Your physical processes have been time looped," he continued. He stepped closer to me as he spoke. "Frozen. Between one heartbeat and the next. Even your breathing is just a habit. You don't need it."

My hand dropped to my chest, and then to my wrist. I pressed shaking fingers to the spot where I knew I would feel my heartbeat drumming against my fingertips.

But there was nothing. Just silence. My stomach dropped.

"If I'm frozen," I said, voice tight. "Then how can I… How can I be walking about?"

"Because the Time Lords are very clever," the Doctor said with an edge of sarcasm. He stepped close, hands coming up to my elbows. He leaned close to my ear and began to speak quietly. "Look, it doesn't matter-"

I jerked away from him. "Yes, it matters to me!" I exclaimed.

"Doctor, we have to explain," said the soldier sadly.

I ignored him. "Doctor, what's going on?" I demanded. Why wouldn't he just talk to me?

"Although you are currently conscious and aware," said the soldier gently. "In fact you died billions of year ago."

Wait, what? "Doctor?" I looked over at him, desperately needing him to just explain. Just talk to me. But he was pacing just as I had, like he wasn't sure what to do. He ran his hand over his face, over his hair. His eyes locked on mine for a brief moment, and he almost looked mad. Insane.

"We have extracted you at the very end of your time stream," the soldier continued. "To request your help. Once we're finished here, you will be returned to your final moments." Oh God. "Your death is an established historical event, and cannot be altered. I'm sorry."

Feeling tears building in my eyes, I turned to the Doctor. "Doctor, will you just talk to me?" I begged. I didn't care what the soldier had to say, as far as I was concerned he wasn't even here. It was just me and the Doctor. I needed to hear it from him, he needed to say it for me to believe it. He wouldn't lie to me about this.

His eyes hardened with some kind of resolve, and he stepped up to me, so close that I could feel his breath on my forehead. "I'll try not to break your jaw," he growled.

"My jaw?" I spluttered.

"I wasn't talking to you." The Doctor whirled around and cracked his fist against the soldier's chin. The soldier reeled back with a grunt of pain, and the Doctor snatched his weapon from the holster on his hip. He pointed it at the soldier, finger hovering over the trigger.

I stared in absolute shock at the weapon held firmly in the Doctor's hand. What did he think he was doing? My stomach and chest knotted and twisted at the sight of him, standing ready to kill someone. What had happened to him? This wasn't him, this wasn't my Doctor.

"Doctor, you can't do this," the soldier said. He backed a step away, but there was no fear in his eyes. "You know you can't."

"No, General. I don't know that," the Doctor snarled manically. He swung the weapon around the room, pointing it at the three others in turn until he settled it back on the General. "Everybody, stay where you are. No moving about. And on pain of death, no one take a selfie."

"These people are unarmed," the General exclaimed.

"So are you," said the Doctor.

"Doctor, I will not let you leave here," the General said firmly. He gestured to the gun in the Doctor's hand. "That's the sidearm of the Presidents personal security. There isn't a stun setting."

His meaning was clear. If the Doctor pulled that trigger, he would be killing this man.

"I will not let Clara die," the Doctor growled. He sounded more dangerous than I'd ever heard him, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up at the venom in his voice. I'd been scared of him before, but it was nothing compared to the terror I felt now.

"She's been dead for half the lifetime of the universe!" the General exclaimed. "If you try to change that, you could fracture time itself. Doctor, Lord President, are you really going to take that risk?"

The Doctor was silent. His eyes darted from here to there around the room, the way he did when he was thinking hard and fast. Weighing his options, calculating and planning for every single variation of the way things could play out.

I stepped toward him slowly, reaching my hand out. "Doctor." I brushed the fingers of his free hand with mine, lacing them together lightly. "Please. I don't want this."

His blue eyes fixed back on the General, fury blazing out of them. His breathing was getting ragged and shaky.

"Put it down, please," I whispered. He couldn't turn into a killer, he couldn't. It wasn't who he was.

The Doctor let his fingers rest in mine for a split second, gentle and soft. He glared at the General, finger still dancing on the trigger.

He suddenly grabbed my hand roughly, tugging me closer to his side. "Regeneration?" he barked at the General.

The Genera's face fell. "Tenth," he managed.

The Doctor nodded. He raised the gun. "Good luck."

The General heaved a huge breath and nodded back. "You too, sir."

The Doctor squeezed the trigger, and a blue laser-looking bullet shot out of the end and hit the General squarely in the chest. I couldn't tear my eyes away as he crumpled to his knees, and then facedown onto the floor.

The Doctor twisted around, still keeping his hand clenched on mine. "I want a neuro block," he demanded. "Human compatible. Quickly, come on."

There was a sound of quick scuffles and a drawer behind me, but I couldn't turn to look. The General was silent and still on the floor. Then the Doctor was yanking on my hand. "Come on, quick!" He pulled me from the room and into a dark hallway.

"You killed that man," I gasped. He tugged me into a run down the rounded hall, toward the window at the end. Any other time, I'd have stopped to admire the red planet. His home. But I couldn't get rid of the image of the crumpled body of the General, the sight of my Doctor holding the weapon that killed him, out of my mind. "You shot him, he's dead."

The Doctor slowed to a stop at the end of the hall, in front of what looked like a lift. He slammed his fist into the button on the side of the door. "It was him or you," he said.

"I don't care!" I exclaimed, yanking on his hand until he turned to face me.

"Yeah?" he said. The door behind him slid open, and he pulled me through it, onto the lift. "Well, the difference is when you die, you stay dead."

"So does he!"

"We're on Gallifrey," the Doctor said impatiently. "Death is just Time Lord for man flu." He punched another button, and the lift began to shoot downwards.

I gave him a heated glare, but said nothing more. I suppose he had a point. The General was a Time Lord, he wasn't actually, truly dead. He'd regenerate into a new body, just like the Doctor had done. But it still didn't change the fact that he'd shot him, killed that last body. But with how hard he was gripping my hand, how close he was standing to me, I thought it best not to push him about the matter just yet. I'd have to wait until we were someplace… Else. Our TARDIS, maybe.

The lift dove for a moment, then slowed to a stop. The doors slid open, revealing a dark, misty chamber, bathed in twilight. I immediately wanted to leave. Everything about it felt wrong. But the Doctor stepped out confidently, so I followed.

"I thought you said Gallifrey was frozen in another dimension," I said.

"Well, they must have unfrozen it and come back," the Doctor said, leading me through the dark and around the columns that rose around us.

"How?"

"I didn't ask. It'd make them feel clever." He paused for a moment, then sent the gun he still held skidding across the floor in the opposite direction of where we were walking. He shrugged his shoulders at me. "Happy?" Before I could respond, he set off again through the mist.

I followed. "No." And I wasn't, not at all. The damage had already been done. But I let it pass for now. "Tell me what a neuro block is."

After a slight pause and a few more steps, he said "Never mind," in an offhand tone. He glanced down a passageway to his right. "This way," he said, and led me through it.

"What did you mean 'human compatible'?" I asked him. This time, though, he just kept walking, taking random turns without saying a word to me. I was behind him and couldn't see his face, but his thin shoulders were tight and anxious. As much as that scared me, I left it alone. If I knew the Doctor, I would find out soon enough.

I heard a shriek from behind us, and I shot a look over my shoulder. There was a figure, clad in the robes and headdresses of his people, seemingly gliding over the mist. It didn't seem to be coming after us, but I got the feeling that it would if we weren't careful. Just looking at it sent mad shivers up and down my back.

"Cloister Wraiths," the Doctor explained, standing at my shoulder. "Sliders, we used to call them. They guard the Matrix. We're safe here."

I glanced around us skeptically. Safe? This place felt about as safe as Skaro. "Why?" I asked.

The Doctor set off again the way we had been going. "They only attack if you make any attempt to leave."

Well, didn't that sound lovely. "How long are we planning to stay?"

The Doctor paused. "Or actually, if you try to stay…"

What? I looked up at him, half amused and half annoyed beyond belief. "You realize how well that conversation went, right?"

"Starting to, yeah, a bit."

He exchanged a brief glance with me, then set off again. "This way, I'm fairly sure." That was comforting. "According to the stories, there's a secret way out. If you can find it, the Sliders let you go."

I opened my mouth to ask him how he knew where the way out was if it was a secret, but I was cut off by the robotic voice that immediately had me ducking behind a column in terror.

"Ex… ter… min…ate…"

I peeked around my hiding place, and a few feet away, tucked into a dark corner, a Dalek sat quivering. It was hopelessly entangled in the vines that crawled up the walls, and a weird liquid was seeping out of its stalk. Almost like it was crying.

"It's okay," the Doctor assured me. "It's okay. Look at it."

Well, I was staring at it. What was I supposed to be seeing?

"Exterminate me," the Dalek croaked. It moved around feebly, shifting side to side. But it didn't attempt to approach us.

"Is it trapped?" I asked. I cautiously moved forward in spite of myself. I was too curious to hang back.

"Don't worry," the Doctor said. "It's been neutralized." He gestured to the thick ropes wrapped around the Dalek's casing. "Those aren't vines. In your terms, they're fibre optic cables, alive and growing. We're inside the biggest database in history." His tone went dark, cold. "Sometimes, people are stupid enough to break in."

Oh, so people like us. "And?" I asked. What would happen to us if we stayed?

The Doctor looked away from the trapped Dalek, over at me. "It's a database. They get filed."

The Dalek croaked out another plea. "Exterminate… me!"

It was slightly chilling to hear a Dalek beg for death. I was too used to them being the ones to gladly deliver it. But what I wanted to know was how it got here in the first place. We barely made it in ourselves. How did a Dalek manage to slip past a planet full of Time Lords?

"Probably left over from the Cloister Wars," the Doctor said, as if reading my thoughts. "There's nothing we can do." After a brief moment of just looking at it thoughtfully, he turned away. "Come on."

I followed after him hesitantly, still staring at the Dalek. When it lost sight of me, it shrieked pitifully after us, begging us to kill it. A chill shot down my back at the desperation in its voice. I didn't want to feel pity for a killing machine, but part of me couldn't help it.

I refocused on where I was going, but the Doctor had disappeared from view. Feeling my chest squeeze in sudden fear, I continued on, knowing he wouldn't have gone far without me. Especially not here in the dark, misty maze of the Cloisters. I went to make a random turn, hoping I'd see the back of his coat, and my breath caught in my chest.

An Angel, made of stone and snarling, was suddenly inches from my face. I instinctively turned away from it, but another flashed in front of me, cutting off my escape. I froze in my tracks.

I could almost hear his voice, a different voice from another lifetime, but still somehow the same, feel his arms around me in the snow. " _Keep looking at it! It can only move if it's unobserved_!"

I locked my eyes on the Angel, desperately hoping that the vines that wrapped around it were enough to hold it at bay like with the Dalek. I gingerly creeped by it, squeezed between it and the wall toward the passage I saw there. I hoped to God that the Doctor had gone this way. I felt way too vulnerable without him.

I was slowly backing away from the Angel, letting out a breath of relief that it didn't follow me, when an arm shot out of nowhere and snatched mine in a grip so tight it was painful. I looked up, terrified, into the black eyes of a Cyberman.

What kind of a place was this? Did they collect all the most dangerous creatures in the universe for show and tell? I yanked at its grip, tried to pull free, but it clung to my arm stubbornly.

My other arm was suddenly seized too and I stifled a cry of panic. "Keep away from them!" the Doctor exclaimed. About time he showed up. He pulled me away from the Cyberman and pushed me on ahead. "The Matrix can use them as a defense. Means the secret exit must be close."

Defense? "What's to defend in a crypt?" I asked. I paused long enough for him to pass by me, let him lead the way again. Obviously I had no clue where we were supposed to be going.

"It's not just a crypt," the Doctor explained as we walked. "It's more like a stone circuit board." He led me through the never-ending columns into a more open area of the chamber. "This is the Matrix database."

He paused when something on one of the columns caught his attention, but I continued on for a few steps. The columns around us were completely covered in those weird vine things, and I could catch glimpses of the Sliders in the shadows. My stars, those things were creepy.

"Database?" I asked as I spun around, gathering in our surroundings. "What do you mean, 'database'?"

He didn't answer at first, but when he did, it definitely wasn't what I was expecting. "Oh," he whispered. He sounded confused.

I spun around to look at him. "Oh?"

His eyes were trained on the floor under my feet. "Oh," he said again, this time a little less uncertain and a lot more enthusiastic.

"Oh?" I looked down at my shoes. Underneath where I was standing, there was something carved into the stone in a huge circle. I instantly recognized it as Gallifreyan, though I had not the faintest idea what it said. "Oh."

The Doctor strode toward me. "Looks like the primary service hatch." He began scuffing his boot across the floor, clearing away dust and bits of debris that covered the markings. "Just have to work out the key."

"Oh," I muttered again. He made it sound so easy. But something told me there was nothing simple about it.

He glanced up at me, saw the questions in my eyes. "When Time Lords die," he said, still clearing off the carvings. I circled around him, doing the same. "Their minds are uploaded to a thing called the Matrix." His hand hovered over the hatch. "This structure, it's like a living computer. It can predict the future. Generate prophecies based on algorithms. Ring the Cloister Bells in the event of impending catastrophe."

I glanced up, distracted by a shriek from one of the Sliders. It was a little too close for comfort, sliding around the mist just a few feet from us. I moved over to one of the columns, peeked around it at the wraith prowling the darkness.

"The Sliders, they're just like the guard dogs, the firewall," the Doctor said. "They're projections from inside the Matrix itself. The dead… Manning the battlements."

I paused, looked up at him. "Was I supposed to understand any of that?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "The Time Lords have got a big computer made of ghosts, in a crypt, guarded by more ghosts." He scowled, obviously annoyed at the simplified version.

"Didn't hurt, did it?" I asked, fighting an amused smile.

"Tiny bit," he muttered. He was still studying the Gallifreyan markings on the floor, so he missed the tiny grin on my face. Silly Doctor, always wanting to show off with the complicated.

He knelt down to the floor, running his hand over the stone. His brow was furrowed in deep thought, his eyes darting all over the carvings.

I knelt down with him. "Why would a computer need to protect itself from the people who made it?" I asked him.

"All computers do that in the end," he said. His long fingers traced the carvings. "You wait till the internet starts. Oh, that was a war."

A war with the internet? How much more bizarre could my world get? Though I supposed if the wifi could hack into people's souls, the internet waging war against humanity wasn't really all that surprising.

He had that look on his face as he stared at the Gallifreyan words. He wasn't stumped, but nor was this an easy solution. We were probably going to be here for a while. And since I could be of no help this time, I plopped down on the floor, leaned back against the column, and watched him work. It was oddly fascinating, seeing the concentration and focus on his face as his hands ran lightly over the carvings on the floor. What I wouldn't give to have just a split second glimpse into what went on in that amazing brain of his.

The Doctor sat back on his heels, his eyes sweeping back and forth across the floor thoughtfully. He reached into the pocket of his coat and pulled out a small notebook, a pencil, and his sonic glasses. After donning the glasses and observing the floor for a moment, he flipped the notebook open and started writing feverishly. "Long time ago," he said, glancing back and forth between the page and the floor. "There was a student at the Academy. He'd got in here. Disappeared for four days." He slipped the glasses back off and returned them to his inside coat pocket. "Showed up in a completely different part of the city. He said the Sliders talked to him. They showed him the secret passage out." He looked up at me with a quick smile. "We just need the code."

"What, and the kid told you the secret?" I asked.

"Ah, no," the Doctor said offhandedly. He scribbled something else into his book. "He didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad." He tapped his temple with a forefinger. "Never right in the head again, so they say."

"Okay, that's encouraging," I mumbled.

"The last I heard," the Doctor continued. "He stole the moon, and the President's wife."

Oh, I tried to hide my smile, I really did. I pressed my lips together, desperately tried to not look at him because if I did I knew I'd lose it.

But this was too golden an opportunity, I couldn't resist. I glanced up at him and the grin broke out. I tried to stay casual. "Was she, um… Was she nice, the President's wife?"

He wasn't paying any attention to me, he was too focused on the hatch. "Ah, well," he muttered. "That was a lie put about by the Shebugans. It was the President's daughter."

Oh good lord, this couldn't get any better. I stifled the giggle I could feel building in my throat.

"And I didn't steal the moon," he said. "I lost it…" He stopped talking at the amused smirk on my face. Who did he think he was fooling? Stealing the wife? Stealing the moon? That screamed Doctor.

"I'd know you anywhere," I told him.

I'd thought he'd laugh, or at least smile with me. But his eyes were dark and his face downcast. And there was something else, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. And I wasn't really sure I wanted to. He returned to his task on the floor. "I was a completely different person in those days," he said. "Eccentric. A bit mad." He chuckled. "Rude to people."

But I wasn't paying attention to any of that. "Look at me again."

"Sorry, what?" he said. But I knew he heard me because he kept his eyes down. Avoiding mine. Focused on the floor, even though his hands had stopped moving.

"In the eye, look at me," I said. And when he didn't comply, I said. "Just do it." I wanted to see it, the look in his eyes that I'd missed before. I needed to know if it was what I thought it was.

"What?" he asked, finally looking up at me. I didn't respond at first. I couldn't. He crawled toward me with a roll of his eyes. "What is it?"

"How long has it been for you since you last saw me?" I asked. I'd hoped I'd imagined that look in his eyes, but I hadn't. It was there now, screaming out of his face. That haunted look he'd had when he'd told me he thought I'd been dead, and it'd been the longest month of his life. Only now it was infinitely worse than it was then. I felt a pang in my chest just from seeing it.

"Oh…" he mumbled noncommittally. "Well, I'm not sure…"

Liar. "How long?" I demanded. I was terrified of the answer. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

The Doctor held my gaze for a moment. "I was stuck in a place," he said quietly. "They…"

"They?" I prompted. "They… Who? Who are we talking about?" Whoever they were, just let me get my hands on them.

"They wanted something from me," he said. "Information."

I waited for more, but he leaned away from me. "It really doesn't matter." He bent back down to his work.

It did matter. It mattered so much. Because he was in pain, it was obvious now. He'd been hurt and it ran so deep that he couldn't hide it like he hid everything else.

I thought back to when I'd stepped through the door from the trap street, how he'd stared at me like he could hardly believe what he was seeing. He wouldn't have looked at me like that if it'd only been a moment since he'd watched the raven fly into my chest.

No, he hadn't seen me in a long, long while.

But he wasn't about to share. That was obvious too. So I changed tact. "What happened to your coat?" I asked. I was just trying to distract myself and him, but I was also genuinely curious. "The velvety one, I liked that one. It was… very Doctor-y."

"I changed it," he said simply.

"Why?"

"Well I can't be the Doctor all the time."

My chest twisted again, like my heart almost had a beat. God, what had happened? What had I missed? He was hurting so much and I had no clue why. I needed to know. I needed to fix it.

He rubbed his hand on the carvings and didn't look up at me. "I think I've almost got it," he said. The floor was beeping as he ran his hand on it, but I didn't care. "I think this is it."

"Tell me what they did to you," I said in a shaky voice. He must have heard it, because he looked up with trepidation. "Tell me what happened to the Doctor." What happened to _my_ Doctor?

He hesitated. I could tell this wasn't something he wanted me to know, for whatever reason. Stubborn old man. I glared back at him, hoping he knew that I would not let this go until I knew everything, every single thing that had happened to make him hurt so badly. I needed to know what they had done to my best friend.

And so he told me. He kept his eyes down, avoiding mine, as he described his confession dial, the beast that stalked his every step. He told me of the ever-changing castle, the unsettling way the rooms reset themselves after he left. He told me of the grave, the room with my portrait in it, the out-of-place stars, the sea of skulls. He told me how the Time Lords were responsible.

And with every word he spoke, my stomach knotted and twisted into painful knots. It was a torture chamber, designed perfectly for him. All his worst nightmares and demons, all locked up with him, and he'd had no way to escape. He'd faced it, all alone. My throat was unbearably tight, tears burning in my eyes, as he talked. And all the while, he remained stoic and uncaring. Like it'd all meant nothing.

He was just beginning to tell me of the wall of diamond when I heard the lift behind us slide open, the sound of footsteps hesitantly stepping off. I ignored it, and so did the Doctor. They didn't matter in the slightest right now.

"You can break through anything, given time," he said as the footsteps quieted just a few feet behind me.

Break through a twenty foot thick wall of diamond? Nothing but his bare fist? "How much time?" I asked. But everything in me was screaming that I didn't want to know, I didn't want to know.

But I needed to know.

"Miss Oswald," came a smooth female voice.

A surge of white-hot anger shot through me. "Stay back," I said, barely turning enough to see the red armor encasing the now female General. And around her was a handful of other armored Time Lords, or what I assumed were Time Lords. One, an elderly woman in flowing red robes, was eyeing the Doctor with heated malice.

"I'm sorry," said the General. She took a tiny step towards us, obviously hesitant to do so. "But we have to find a way to-"

"I said stay back!" I shouted at her. I didn't give a damn what she thought she needed to do. She was going to stay away from us. She and all her little Time Lord friends had done enough damage. They would never, ever come near the Doctor again.

The General shuffled back a step, shoulder to shoulder with the old woman, with a nod of understanding. All of them, the whole group, stepped backwards. Whether it was out of fear of the Cloisters or respect for what they were intruding on, I couldn't tell. And I didn't care.

I turned back to the Doctor. "The Hybrid, what is it?" I asked him. "What's so important you would fight so long?" How could he have done it just to keep a little snippet of information away from them?

"Doesn't matter what the Hybrid is," he said. "It only matters that I convinced them that I knew." He shrugged. "Otherwise they'd have kicked me out and I'd have nothing left to bargain with."

That threw me. Then what was the point? "What were you bargaining for?"

"What do you think?" He looked up at me, really looked at me for the first time since he started his story. He raised his eyebrows, like the answer was so painfully obvious and he was shocked that I hadn't seen it.

I shrugged, shaking my head. What the hell was so important that he faked knowledge of this Hybrid thing, endured his own torture chamber for however long?

"You," he whispered, and my chest tightened painfully. "I had to find a way to save you."

I sat back on my heels, stared at him. It had nothing to do with the Hybrid? Only me?

"I knew it had to be the Time Lords," he continued, focusing again on the floor. "They cost you your life on Trap Street, Clara. And I was gonna make them bring you back." He gave another shrug of his shoulders. "I just had to hang on in there for a bit."

If I'd had a heartbeat, it'd would have been pounding. "How long?"

He shook his head without looking up. "It was fine."

No it was not fine. It really wasn't. He'd have told me if it was fine. He'd been trapped, alone, on Trenzalore for centuries before, and that knowledge had broken my heart back then. So how long had it been this time? A thousand years? Tens of thousands? Dread swirled in my chest. I had to know, I had to know how long he'd let himself be tortured just for a chance to save me.

But he obviously wasn't sharing. So I'd have to ask the only other people who knew.

I squashed down the hate pooling in my stomach and rose to my feet. "One question," I said, turning to the Time Lords. His torturers. "And you _will_ answer. How long was the Doctor trapped inside the confession dial?"

"We think," the old woman jumped in immediately. Uncaringly. "Four and a half billion years."

The breath caught in my chest and my stomach dropped. I felt my hands start to tremble. Billion? Four and a half _billion_?

"He could have left anytime he wanted to," the General added. "He just had to say what he knew. The dial would have released him."

But I barely heard her through the haze of shock and horror. For a moment, all I could do was stare at her, trying to remember how to breathe. Behind me, there was a faint beeping as the Doctor worked at the code on the hatch, but he said nothing. I turned slowly, looked down at him. He hesitated, then met my gaze with his own.

"Four and a half billion years?" I whispered. Tears blurred my vision, but not enough that I couldn't see the flash of agony in his eyes. I felt my own dead heart twist in response.

He shrugged. "If she says so," he scoffed, and bent back down to the floor.

" _No_." I sank to my knees next to him. They were about to give out anyway, I was shaking so much. I waited until he looked at me again.

"Why would you even do that?" I demanded breathlessly, feeling like my chest was being split open. Tears flowed down my cheeks but I didn't care enough to wipe them away. "I was _dead_. I was dead and gone. _Why_?" I brushed my hands over his shoulders, not knowing if I wanted to shove him to the floor in anger or throw my arms around him in a desperate attempt to heal him and never let go. "Why would you even do that to yourself?" I couldn't even think of it. My Doctor, alone and scared, facing his terrors and nightmares every single second of every day. Burning himself alive only to start all over again. Literally his own personal Hell. Four billion years? God, _why_?

He didn't answer me at first, like he was struggling to put into words an explanation that I would understand. I waited, knowing there was nothing he could say that would ever make billions of years of torture, just for me, make sense.

"I had a duty of care," he murmured quietly, but with a conviction that came with eons of careful thought and unwavering commitment. His eyes dared me to deny it, to argue.

And I couldn't. I couldn't even breathe enough to say anything back, even if I wanted to. I heard what he wasn't saying, what he could never say outright. But he always made sure that I knew. By showing me, in an infinite number of ways, ever since the day we met.

"Listen, I'm nearly through here," he said, returning to the hatch. He brushed his hand over the markings there as I braced my hands against the floor and leaned on them. I closed my eyes, desperately trying to collect myself enough to think clearly. There was a beeping and a thud, like a door being opened from somewhere deep below us.

"If I'm right," he said. "There should be a service duct under here. We'll be able to get to the Old Workshops." He looked up at me. "They'll have TARDISes."

I really didn't give a damn about a bloody TARDIS right now. "Okay, listen," I managed to breathe out. He ignored me. "I have something I need to say."

"We do not have time!" he said impatiently.

"No, my time," I exclaimed, loud enough that I caught his attention again. "My time is up, Doctor." His face fell, but I kept going. "Between one heartbeat and the last is all the time I have." And it wasn't nearly enough to even come close to what I needed to show him right back.

"People like me and you…" I heaved a deep breath to steady myself. "We should say things to one another." Because, unlike him, I could say it. I really didn't have a choice. "And I'm gonna say them now."

"Clara-" he began.

"No, listen to me," I said. "I should have said this a long time ago. Especially back on the street, before…" His expression twisted with pain again, and I hurried along. "You told me once that you weren't my boyfriend, you remember?"

He nodded mutely.

"Well, you were right," I said, and his brow furrowed in confusion. "Because you could never be just that. Not ever. You, Doctor, are the best thing that's ever happened to me." And even that wasn't enough. He was everything. My whole world. Family, friendship, safety, and love all wrapped up in one stick insect of a man.

The Doctor chuckled. "Oh, Clara Oswald," he muttered with a grin. "You don't know what's good for you, then."

"I'll be the judge of that," I said, and his smile grew. "Because when I met you is when my life began. I wasn't lying to you when I told you that you were essential to me. I need you. Without you, Doctor…" I remembered back to the months after we'd said goodbye, lying to each other in a fruitless attempt to make the other happy. I remembered the gaping hole he'd left in his wake, the burning in my heart that never went away until that Christmas.

"I don't think I could do it again," I whispered. Just the memories drew more tears from my eyes. That had been the worst pain I'd ever felt, and I knew for a fact that I couldn't live through it again.

He gently brushed them away with a finger on my skin. "You won't have to," he said quietly.

"Better not," I huffed, and he chuckled again. I reached up and wrapped my fingers around his wrist, holding his hand to my face. There was something else, one more thing that I needed him to hear. I'd promised it to another, but I think I'd always known that this particular promise was broken before I even made it.

I knew I would never hear him say it back, but I didn't have to. I already knew. He'd proven it, time and time again. There was nothing I could ever do now that would even hold a candle to how much he'd shown me how he felt, so words were the only way I could turn.

I took a huge breath, and took the plunge. "I love you," I whispered.

And oh did it feel good to finally say it. It was like something in me was released, and I felt lighter than I had in a very long time. I felt like we'd been dancing around those words for years, almost since we met. But much more so ever since he got his new face. Saying it out loud, finally facing it… It felt like freedom. My silent heart was almost singing with it. He was my Doctor, I was his Impossible Girl. And I loved him.

The Doctor held my gaze for a moment, and the throbbing in my chest eased just a little when some of the haunted look faded from his eyes, replaced by warm contentment. "Quite right, too," he whispered back.

Close enough. I grinned back at him, squeezing his wrist, heart ballooning with warmth that spread all the way through me.

"So then, Clara Oswald," he said, pulling his hand away from my face and gesturing to the torturers behind me. "What do you propose?"

I nodded toward the hatch. "TARDISes, yeah?"

"Yeah, should be," he said. "At least, if I'm right about the service duct."

He was right, I was sure of it. "So do what you do best," I said with a simple shrug. "Seems easy enough to me."

He shot me that shark-tooth grin that I loved, and after a few quick directions from him and a playful smack from me when he got cheeky, I rose from the floor. I turned with deliberate slowness towards them, the people I hated now more than anything in the universe. I had to make sure I had their attention.

All eyes were on me as I moved away from the hatch. I felt a hot tingle shoot down my spine just looking at them. These people, these creatures, were responsible for the haunted look in the Doctor's eyes. They hurt him, they made him scared, they made him face his Hell alone. They let him die countless times, all for a bit of information that they _thought_ he had?

"You're monsters," I said. I was quiet, but it was taking all of my self-control to not scream the words. The old woman and the General stared steadily back at me, betraying no emotion. "Here you are, hiding away at the end of time. Do you even know why?"

Silence. What a surprise.

"Because you are hated," I said. "You. Are. _Hated_. By everybody… But by nobody more than me."

The old woman's eyes flashed with the same malice she had stared at the Doctor with. "What did you say to him?" she demanded. Over to my right, the hatch beeped.

"Oh, nothing I'm gonna tell you," I said quickly, hoping to mask the sound with my own voice. He was nearly there, I just had to keep them focused on me for a moment longer. "Or anybody else." No, those words were only meant for him to hear. No one else.

Oh, but I wanted to have some fun with them. They'd certainly earned that. They thought they were so clever, but this was the Doctor they were challenging.

"Except maybe this one part," I said cheekily, and that definitely caught their attention. The General and the old woman fixed their eyes solely on me. Like nothing else in the Cloisters was there. "I said…"

I listened, and there were the faint sounds of beeping the thuds of doors slamming. "'Don't worry, Doctor'," I whispered. The two women leaned forward to hear. "'They'll all be looking at me.'"

Their eyes widened, and I watched with smug triumph as the old woman and the General looked sharply over at the hatch they had completely forgotten about. It was wide open and pouring out that white light. And the Doctor was conspicuously absent.

"You need to tell us what the Doctor is going to do now," the General exclaimed desperately.

I scoffed. "You really are thick, aren't you?" Did they still really not see it? "The Doctor is back on Gallifrey. Took him four and a half billion years to get here! What do you think he's gonna do now?"

For a split second, I thought they still didn't understand. They gave me quizzical glances, eyes darting back and forth uncertainly. That was, until that unmistakable whirring began to fill the room. The old woman's eyes rose to the ceiling with chagrin and the General's widened in astonishment. Perfect timing, Doctor. Though I would have liked a few more minutes to really tell them just how disgusting they were.

"Why, he's stealing a TARDIS and running away," I said sweetly. I could see the outline of the TARDIS materializing around me. Perfect aim, too. I raised a hand in mock farewell as the TARDIS surrounded me. "Bye!"

 **Um... So I really don't want to do the rest because it breaks my heart. Like, literally, the rest of the episode just makes my heart hurt. But, I suppose if you lot would like, I could make an attempt to do the rest of it. Let me know what you think!**


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